DIARY

My mind is sparkling! Effervescent bubbles kissing!

Which Sailor Scout are you?

25MAY2026

Somewhere in my mind there is something building, editing, deleting.
Building - Editing - Deleting.

If I opened up the hemispheres of my brain, would the neurons map out like cancerous cells in a smoker's lungs?

...

I ask a question and no one answers. There is no echo. It is like my voice gets enveloped in a dense void I can't make out. I can't tell if the ringing in my ears is imagined or not.

I have a limited time on Earth before I have to leave. In that short amount of time, what do I want to do with it? What do I desire?
Desire is a difficult word. Hope is a difficult word. Want is a difficult word.
And during that limited amount of time, what I get to do with it, what control do I get to exert, that isn't always so clear to me. What makes my want significant enough to put effort into? No, that isn't what's bothering me. Moreso, I could put effort into something if it mattered to me, but I have a hard time deciding what matters.

Maybe I'm really just avoiding what matters to me out of fear of pushback. I have always been a scared person. A scared person can either be brave or cowardly. I've had both moments.
Overall, I want to be someone brave.

I want to be someone who carries themself with integrity and dignity. When it comes to actual tasks or topics, I don't care so much anymore. Things used to symbolise something, but I feel like I've been forced through that understanding.
Immediately after the fever broke, when I stopped having sinus symptoms, when my cough ended.
I'm not confident in demarcating when the brain fog 'ended'. It still seems to pervade, but not as insidiously as it did in high school and university.

Because of that, I don't think I deserve sympathy from others. Do I want others to sympathise with me?
Yes, I think I want someone to acknowledge my struggles, at least without downplaying them. But I can't expect anything like that. I know that already. People suffer. People suffer. Suffering is universal. It would be bad of me to single myself out.

Ultimately, it must come down to myself granting myself sympathy and grace.

I like making art. I don't want to sell it. I'm happy enough just making what I want. I like detailed work. I like feeling competent in what I do. I'd like to stop talking negatively, to be more cautious with my words. At the same time, if asked about myself, I wish I could readily reply. I wish I knew how to speak about myself as if I am an actual person and not a stain I'm trying to remove.

It still feels fresh and odd that I am alive. That I am making do with what I have and trying to build a future for myself where I can take care of my parents. It feels like unreality.

(Fracture.)

Due to the damage done to my brain during my infections, I think there are symptoms that won't go away, but I can learn to better manage and understand. It isn't bad. Clean slate, perfect health. It wouldn't make a difference. People sully and dirty and muddy. That is just the nature of it. It is like someone has left a mark on the canvas for me. Maybe that will encourage me to paint instead of stare at the blank canvas in fear.

"In our terms, reward circuit h1jacking."
"This patient has had their serotonin control stick seized by H-100. As a result, they are physically incapable of maintaining a stable altitude of everyday happiness."
"In short, a state of infinite emotional thirst..."
"But the silver lining amidst this tragedy...is that...there isn't just one kind of happiness."
"Using a neurotransmitter that complements serotonin to shake up the reward system, it is a tactic to disrupt the brain, not with ordinary happiness, but with overwhelming pleasure. Sometimes, it is even used as a treatment for addicts."
"The goal is to hijack the stimulus meant for a broken serotonin circuit and reroute it to the dopamine circuit."
[Is that even possible? No, more importantly, isn't it dangerous? If they start to depend on that sensation...]
"Right, it's dangerous. Dopamine is a treacherous fuel, notoriously hard to control. But...it's not impossible."
"As long as you can handle emotions with precision, and never lose your center amidst the explosive stimulation...If only there were a very cautious pilot."

...

もしもし？きこえますか？

Dopamine is not the reward neurotransmitter but the "value" neurotransmitter. Dopamine signals the arrival of the event. Endorphins and serotonin are related to participation in the event. Endorphins are released reflexively to pain - friction? Serotonin is associated with contentment, thus maintenance.

Of concern:

Binges - states of intoxication
Withdrawals - associated negative effects/
Preoccupation - anticipation of the event